Til death do us apart?

I beginning to wonder…
this year might be THE toughest challenge Ive ever been thru with my hubby. It’s so not stated in my horroscope nor in the chinese year prediction (being born in the snake year might means sumthin, rite?)
It just so happens that the same occurence took place 6 years ago…eerie…
However, I got over it until now…

Have you ever face all your ex-es all in one year?

When you think you had overcome them all?

Ive posted a reality event not so long ago….
and another….

But all that never equal to this event that took place a few nights ago that it still stuck in my head presently…

I remember posted a blog on this guy a long time ago…
My history with him is quite confusing…we grew up together, being thru a lot together, he even slapped me once for being so arrogantly snobbish…haha! yup, I was very grateful for him for slapping me. It actually opened my eyes wide to change my attitude.

I was always with a guy. Romantically. Our relationship was strictly platonic. Although I felt the sparks flying hazardly everytime we spend the time together. My head keep thinking…it will never happen. He’s just such a good friend. I’d never destroy that friendship. Nevertheless, he was sick. And it runs in the family. I mean he lost his brother to the illness he was having. So, we never hope for him to get thru it.

I remember it well, I was in my 2nd year of A-Level when I found out he died. I nearly killed myself. Slicing my wrist. But prior to that I told my now hubby that I couldn’t take it. I was so frustrated I wanted to end it all. My hubby talked me out of it. He actually saved my life.

But this happened.
He came back. Yes. Him. The guy whom I thought was dead.
The truth was? He faked his death. Just so to leave my life. Why? Because he couldn’t take it that he was just in the way of my happiness. And he couldn’t see me with another guy. Suffering. Torturing myself. It was just sad. (it was a long story) So he faked his death. Faked. Left me alone to face his death was for me. Can you believe that?

He called my office last week. Asking to meet me. I ignored him. But then he said he was leaving. For good. I was scared. I can never face the same thing again. I figured, why not? Just close the book once and for all. (onestly I thought it was ghost calling…bulu roma meremang siyot!!)

This is different from my past relationship. This is bigger. This is HIM.

So I made up my mind and went down to meet him. Imagine my surprise when I saw him sitting at a shop’s stairs staring at me. Those eyes…those lips…those stare…my throat went dry. I regretted my decision….

Wonder what happened?

ironic 08 part trois(I)

wtf is going on with my life this year?
sumthin is buggin me d whole year
and it’s definitely not LOVE.
Instead, it was LOVED.

ladies, here’s a piece of advice 4 you players
after u broke up frm a realationship
make sure you move on to another country(or world if possible)
because when you think you’re over HIM (or not)
he might just pop up in front of you

Today is a typical SUNDAY for me
morning have breakfast,
move on to lunch(or maybe a short shopping moment)
then dinner

But today I had a great feeling
I was in a mood for a lone walk
(meaning walkin alone while njoyin selfless pleasure of window shopping)

went to c new arrivals in iSetan
went to c new UNDEAD series in kinokuniya
went to c new phone models
went to c new laptop

yeah, dat was really enjoyable for me

until…I met sumone from my past

about nuthing….

the only reason im writing this

is bcoz my nieces asked me to update my blog…

well, ive been silent 4 quite a while,

Been busy with works, family, and love

Yeah, work took priority

But u may realize after all my entries

I shld ave my family as my 1st priority…

Well, d reason being so is dat…

Ive been crying a lot lately,

It started a few months ago

Tension, stress and most probbly loneliness

IT hurts to cry so much

IT also hurts to noe dat u may not b able to work it out

IT just hurts dat u can’t tell anyone about it

IT hurts…

I found out dat, when u overtension urself

(well for me at least)

U turn to GOD for help

and in addition to dat,

I turn to work…work, work, work, and more work…

It was okay when my hubby is around to hear me babbles

But he’s not here…I felt like maybe I shld just babbles to myself

Alas, it doesn’t work…in fact, it got worse

I used to cry under d shower

Agonizing my hubby when he c me dat way

But he noes what to do

Hug me n tell me it’s ok

Sumtime I don’t even noe y I cried

Just need to let it all out

D truth is, I don’t cry a lot

Im certainly not a crybaby

Never cry at funerals

Never cry watchin sad movie

But i do cry while reading a book

Weird , huh?

Maybe I kept too much inside

I felt like, if I let it out…it might burden others

I hate my own opinion

Had a bad experience on that(nvr wanna to repeat that)

I’ve learnt to keep everythin to myself

Amazingly, shuttin myself from d outside world

It may sound impossible….but It’s not

so there….ive update my blog

being miserable for few months

does not warrant me to blog myself….

but it sure does help me with one thing

knowing that you noe Im in misery

does help me feel better

everyday is exactly the same

sounds familiar?

yea, it’s actually a title to my fave song

it expressed every lil bit of emotion

it projected my own voice

it spoke out my inner feeling

the exclusive wordin n details gives a sneek peak into my soul

what worst could’ve become into my life?

im grateful for every single torture I borne n still bear

in fact i am not me today if it’s not 4 all d experiences

during my remisniscence

one thing n only one slid into my mind

others had worst…mine might just b a pea in a bowl

therefore,

here Iam

being thankful

to those people / group of people

who’d made my life miserable

intoxicated

suffocated

n life changing

its refreshing. to go thru everyday

in exactly

the same way

ironic part deux (III)

sorry for the delay.

me being in a state of busy-ness, and confusion isn’t helping.

well, let’s just continue with our recollection from the last entry. I’ve receive e-mails bout this guy from my past. My dear friends….he’s not GAY!!!

okay, where was I? Oh yes, he was askin bout his ring.

well, here goes. the truth is: when i was going steady with Azim, we made a deal (on paper in fact!), that I would not wear the damn ring as long as we’re together. Thats exactly where it is. Still in my drawer, in my office. In the jewellery box. Nicely tugged in for eternity.

But, how the heck am I suppose to tell this -handsome-rugged-yet-still-single guy before me that I still kept his ring in my drawer? Will he ask for me to return it? I mean, c’mon! HE’s rich now, he could afford to buy a new BIGGER ring for the next woman to come into his life. For the RIGHT. ONE.

But then again, what if I told him that I’d threw it off? Or pawned it? Or lost it? Would he thought that I am such a bitch he actually dated? WHAAA -??!!! Seriously, that made my head spin!

He probably saw me grimacing at myself. My face show it all. I’m not good in hiding what I feel. It suxs. I was thinking so hard. It made my brain electrocuted.

R     : Just tell me the truth. I won’t get mad.

Here’s the truth about the truth. IT HURTS. So, we lie.

ME  : (sighin softly) I think I lost it.

R    : (stared at me with his poker face again. Slowly smile) IT’s okay. Never thought you might keep it anyway.

ME  : (BUT I DID!!!) Hmm. I’m such a bad person, huh?

I started to turn n leave the room. But he grabbed me….

ironic ‘08 part deux (II)

OMG!! Nvr thought this blog cld b such a hit about me n R???

guess these ppl really indulge in scandals!!!! shame on u!!

since d last entry ppl bugged me to continue. i’ve been procrastinatin the continuation. x that i’ve forgotten the fateful event, it’s just that i’ve felt uncomfortable tellin the world what a badass bi-yatch I am.

Anyway, there r few things i need to make clear about my history with R. Here goes:

1. we knew each other thru my best friend in hi-school.
2. we gt serious after SPM.
3. we cont our r/ship til after i gt into ‘U’.
4. yes, he proposed to me….b4 I broke up with Him.

There. I answered MOST of ur questions. Satisfied? Haha…made u guys ticked lil bit there, didn’t I?

Well, where did I left u guys wonderin? Oh yeah…he invited me in. Did I accept his offer?

Frankly, I was still beyond bliss after our last confrontation where he left me in confusion. I was shaking with angst waitin to explode. He gt the guts to speak to me with such an ease and in a graceful way a vampire would to lure u into their lair!!

The house. The one where I parked my car unconsciously. It is his parents’ house. He was staying elsewhere. The parents were elsewhere also. He was just stopping by to drop his sister along the way. This is as much as I got frm him. Outside of his house. At the gate, to be precise.

The minute he popped the invitation again, I was utterly afraid. My heart was pounding. Really-really fast. My body was moving thru the gate. But my mind was screaming what the f*** r u doing??? get outta there nowww! idiot!!!

I stopped. Turned around and said it loud n clear. “This is a mistake. I shouldn’t. Really. Your parents not here.”

He just stared at me with his poker face n said: “It’s fine. W is here. (his sis) B’sides, I need to show you somethin.”

ironic 08 part deux

hah! i noe what u all think…

what the heck is wrong with this gal???

well…it all started with a simple mind boggling stupidy. and ere how it goes:

 

i slept late last nite re-reading edward’s quote( courtesy of ‘NEW MOON’) , gosh! i wonder how i’m gnna live to have that kinda guy loving u for eternity? it’s just wow!!! so i slept hoping to dream that non-existence guy last nite…..

Only to wake up late two hours!!!! I got up, rushed for a brushing my teeth, rushed for taking a shower, rushed for putting on my clothes, make-up and etc. as soon as i got in the car, I step on the accelerator and sped along the road to Shah Alam. Only to just made it in time for my case. Phew!!

The bad thing bout coming late to court in S. Alam, was. If you reached the court after eight, the chance of you getting a parking slot is close to zero! that includes illegal parking along the sidewalk pavement.

So, I went in to look for a space here and there at the residential area just opposite the court compound. relieved to find at least a space behind a tiny car just outside a JKR residence. Once outside I got out, took my files, put on my jacket and then my eyes darted to the road sign. Oh crap! I stood still. But a honk broke my dazed and I quickly ran in my heels to cross the road headin to court.

Once inside the court, I strated off with my case without give a second thought on what just happened. That’s me. Work overcome my worries sumtime.

After that, was a different story.

I walked along the road after shouting my g’byes to my friends. Walking slowly, digging in my bag for my keys jumbled with other keys, I didn’t realized I was walking in the middle of the road. I was shocked when a soft honk of a big car, coming behind me. I startled, and accelerate my step to the side. The car slowed, and the heavy tinted windows slid down.

Guy  :  hey, funny seeing you ‘ere.(smiling dashingly)

Me   : (frowning like an idiot) hah? well…hi.(blushing like mad)

Guy  : you’re going sumwhere? I can give u a lift…(waitin for my answer)

Me    : Erm…(frantically looking for my keys in my bag, n pretend to grab sumthin)…it’s ok. I found my keys!

Guy   : (muka pelik, probbly coz i didn’t answer his question?) Owh….kay. You going home?

Me    : (suddenly stopped my walk. Realizing I’ve reached my car) Hmm. My car.

(the car suddenly stopped)

Me    : Erm…what are doing? Are you stalking me?

Guy   : Er…nope. (pointing to the house where my car parked) I’m going home.

Me     : Hah! I noe thattttt…(smiling sheepishly. if my bag were big enough, I’d stuffed my whole head in it!)

What do u know? It’s that guy again. R.

Amazingly superb in his Mercedes and oh, he was dressed casually today. I mean no full suit with a red tie (thank GOD! Coz I might drop dead rite there to c his red tie again!) He was dressed in a black shirt, his sleeves were folded up to his elbow, and a faded cool jeans. His hair was all ruffled, but in a cool way. I can smell his spicy aftershave….OMG he smells so goooddd...stop it!!

He took off his sunglasses and grinned widely. My heart fluttered wildly. But suddenly a girl got out from his passenger seat. Beautiful mind you! She glared at me, and with one nod to R she went to open the huge gate and went inside without a word.

R  : U probbly remember her. My sis.

Me : Oh. She’d grown! (of coz lah u idiot!!! it’s been thirteen years!) hahaha…

R  : wanna come in?

What do u think happened? Stay tune for the next episode….tonite…hahaha…

 

csiiiii!!!!!

whoa! i just so happened to be watching an episode of CSI : NY today…n oh boy! It was interesting.

u see, im not estatic bout watching csi francise. I was at first, but after three branch i became a sore watcher.

but today was an episode where an irish gang took matter into their hand and broke into the crime lab, while faking gas leak. prior to that the handsome detective, Flack, had made a big bust on their cocaine. the chunks were shipped into the crime lab for custody of the crime evidence.

n i just love Mac (Gary Sinise) brilliant character. He noticed firsthand that it wasn’t a typical gas leak. these gang made it seems so to get the whole building vacated. it was cleverly planned that not even a single cop even think that was a hoist!!! they even planted a special transmitter to jammed the communication signals. Unfortunately these csi geeks gt thru that by sending messages thru corpse!

Mac, together with his sidekick, Stella(the dark haired woman) and the black guy teamed up to process the evidence in their lab while avoiding gettin shot. it was incredible!!! to make it more interesting these irish gang were using one of a kind bullet that can pierce thru metal and safe.

they tried to shoot the safe open and get their baggage out and bounce. Mac was too smart for them. he set up a trap and planned out a strategy for his team to stopped their runaway.

In the end the bad guys lose, and the good guys left the building alive….haha, hw i wish it’s that simple in real life.

ironic ‘08

recently i met a guy.

a guy from my past who’d help me realized that I’m such a bitch. haha…somehow it made me felt like so relieved. GAWD! Wish I could describe that feeling here for you guys, but it’s impossible.

The irony was that I was just discussing with azim last nite while we were resting. We giggled just remembering how in-profficient our way of love was. each of us have our own admirers and crushes but in the end we ended up with each other! how about that? what a small circle we lived in.

Well, I remembered the meeting, and it goes like this:

GUY    : hey, are you by any chance be….JUITA?

ME    : (turning slowly and with a poker face, answered) Who’s asking?

GUY    : You are JUITA! Hey, it’s me, R.

ME    : (grilling my cramped mind to remember) ahhhh…hi. How are you? (giving him my most dashing smile)

GUY    : I’m fine. Fine. How bout you?

ME   : Oh…yea, I guess I’m….fine too. (scratching my head)

breaking up is hard to do….

the thing about aving a serious relationship is that, when u broke up…it stick to ur heart like a fossil and the memories just wouldn’t go away.

yea, sure, you’ll find yourself moving on…eventually. But it sure takes a looooonnnnggg time. it hurts. it’s painful. it’s heartbreakingly aching.

but after a few years, you tend to forget. and reminiscent d good and bad memories. ahhh…

and then when you found sumone who actually made you forget, and be happy, you’ll move on easily….