Til death do us apart?

I beginning to wonder…
this year might be THE toughest challenge Ive ever been thru with my hubby. It’s so not stated in my horroscope nor in the chinese year prediction (being born in the snake year might means sumthin, rite?)
It just so happens that the same occurence took place 6 years ago…eerie…
However, I got over it until now…

Have you ever face all your ex-es all in one year?

When you think you had overcome them all?

Ive posted a reality event not so long ago….
and another….

But all that never equal to this event that took place a few nights ago that it still stuck in my head presently…

I remember posted a blog on this guy a long time ago…
My history with him is quite confusing…we grew up together, being thru a lot together, he even slapped me once for being so arrogantly snobbish…haha! yup, I was very grateful for him for slapping me. It actually opened my eyes wide to change my attitude.

I was always with a guy. Romantically. Our relationship was strictly platonic. Although I felt the sparks flying hazardly everytime we spend the time together. My head keep thinking…it will never happen. He’s just such a good friend. I’d never destroy that friendship. Nevertheless, he was sick. And it runs in the family. I mean he lost his brother to the illness he was having. So, we never hope for him to get thru it.

I remember it well, I was in my 2nd year of A-Level when I found out he died. I nearly killed myself. Slicing my wrist. But prior to that I told my now hubby that I couldn’t take it. I was so frustrated I wanted to end it all. My hubby talked me out of it. He actually saved my life.

But this happened.
He came back. Yes. Him. The guy whom I thought was dead.
The truth was? He faked his death. Just so to leave my life. Why? Because he couldn’t take it that he was just in the way of my happiness. And he couldn’t see me with another guy. Suffering. Torturing myself. It was just sad. (it was a long story) So he faked his death. Faked. Left me alone to face his death was for me. Can you believe that?

He called my office last week. Asking to meet me. I ignored him. But then he said he was leaving. For good. I was scared. I can never face the same thing again. I figured, why not? Just close the book once and for all. (onestly I thought it was ghost calling…bulu roma meremang siyot!!)

This is different from my past relationship. This is bigger. This is HIM.

So I made up my mind and went down to meet him. Imagine my surprise when I saw him sitting at a shop’s stairs staring at me. Those eyes…those lips…those stare…my throat went dry. I regretted my decision….

Wonder what happened?

ironic 08 part trois(I)

wtf is going on with my life this year?
sumthin is buggin me d whole year
and it’s definitely not LOVE.
Instead, it was LOVED.

ladies, here’s a piece of advice 4 you players
after u broke up frm a realationship
make sure you move on to another country(or world if possible)
because when you think you’re over HIM (or not)
he might just pop up in front of you

Today is a typical SUNDAY for me
morning have breakfast,
move on to lunch(or maybe a short shopping moment)
then dinner

But today I had a great feeling
I was in a mood for a lone walk
(meaning walkin alone while njoyin selfless pleasure of window shopping)

went to c new arrivals in iSetan
went to c new UNDEAD series in kinokuniya
went to c new phone models
went to c new laptop

yeah, dat was really enjoyable for me

until…I met sumone from my past

about nuthing….

the only reason im writing this

is bcoz my nieces asked me to update my blog…

well, ive been silent 4 quite a while,

Been busy with works, family, and love

Yeah, work took priority

But u may realize after all my entries

I shld ave my family as my 1st priority…

Well, d reason being so is dat…

Ive been crying a lot lately,

It started a few months ago

Tension, stress and most probbly loneliness

IT hurts to cry so much

IT also hurts to noe dat u may not b able to work it out

IT just hurts dat u can’t tell anyone about it

IT hurts…

I found out dat, when u overtension urself

(well for me at least)

U turn to GOD for help

and in addition to dat,

I turn to work…work, work, work, and more work…

It was okay when my hubby is around to hear me babbles

But he’s not here…I felt like maybe I shld just babbles to myself

Alas, it doesn’t work…in fact, it got worse

I used to cry under d shower

Agonizing my hubby when he c me dat way

But he noes what to do

Hug me n tell me it’s ok

Sumtime I don’t even noe y I cried

Just need to let it all out

D truth is, I don’t cry a lot

Im certainly not a crybaby

Never cry at funerals

Never cry watchin sad movie

But i do cry while reading a book

Weird , huh?

Maybe I kept too much inside

I felt like, if I let it out…it might burden others

I hate my own opinion

Had a bad experience on that(nvr wanna to repeat that)

I’ve learnt to keep everythin to myself

Amazingly, shuttin myself from d outside world

It may sound impossible….but It’s not

so there….ive update my blog

being miserable for few months

does not warrant me to blog myself….

but it sure does help me with one thing

knowing that you noe Im in misery

does help me feel better

everyday is exactly the same

sounds familiar?

yea, it’s actually a title to my fave song

it expressed every lil bit of emotion

it projected my own voice

it spoke out my inner feeling

the exclusive wordin n details gives a sneek peak into my soul

what worst could’ve become into my life?

im grateful for every single torture I borne n still bear

in fact i am not me today if it’s not 4 all d experiences

during my remisniscence

one thing n only one slid into my mind

others had worst…mine might just b a pea in a bowl

therefore,

here Iam

being thankful

to those people / group of people

who’d made my life miserable

intoxicated

suffocated

n life changing

its refreshing. to go thru everyday

in exactly

the same way

ironic part deux (III)

sorry for the delay.

me being in a state of busy-ness, and confusion isn’t helping.

well, let’s just continue with our recollection from the last entry. I’ve receive e-mails bout this guy from my past. My dear friends….he’s not GAY!!!

okay, where was I? Oh yes, he was askin bout his ring.

well, here goes. the truth is: when i was going steady with Azim, we made a deal (on paper in fact!), that I would not wear the damn ring as long as we’re together. Thats exactly where it is. Still in my drawer, in my office. In the jewellery box. Nicely tugged in for eternity.

But, how the heck am I suppose to tell this -handsome-rugged-yet-still-single guy before me that I still kept his ring in my drawer? Will he ask for me to return it? I mean, c’mon! HE’s rich now, he could afford to buy a new BIGGER ring for the next woman to come into his life. For the RIGHT. ONE.

But then again, what if I told him that I’d threw it off? Or pawned it? Or lost it? Would he thought that I am such a bitch he actually dated? WHAAA -??!!! Seriously, that made my head spin!

He probably saw me grimacing at myself. My face show it all. I’m not good in hiding what I feel. It suxs. I was thinking so hard. It made my brain electrocuted.

R     : Just tell me the truth. I won’t get mad.

Here’s the truth about the truth. IT HURTS. So, we lie.

ME  : (sighin softly) I think I lost it.

R    : (stared at me with his poker face again. Slowly smile) IT’s okay. Never thought you might keep it anyway.

ME  : (BUT I DID!!!) Hmm. I’m such a bad person, huh?

I started to turn n leave the room. But he grabbed me….

ironic ‘08 part deux (II)

OMG!! Nvr thought this blog cld b such a hit about me n R???

guess these ppl really indulge in scandals!!!! shame on u!!

since d last entry ppl bugged me to continue. i’ve been procrastinatin the continuation. x that i’ve forgotten the fateful event, it’s just that i’ve felt uncomfortable tellin the world what a badass bi-yatch I am.

Anyway, there r few things i need to make clear about my history with R. Here goes:

1. we knew each other thru my best friend in hi-school.
2. we gt serious after SPM.
3. we cont our r/ship til after i gt into ‘U’.
4. yes, he proposed to me….b4 I broke up with Him.

There. I answered MOST of ur questions. Satisfied? Haha…made u guys ticked lil bit there, didn’t I?

Well, where did I left u guys wonderin? Oh yeah…he invited me in. Did I accept his offer?

Frankly, I was still beyond bliss after our last confrontation where he left me in confusion. I was shaking with angst waitin to explode. He gt the guts to speak to me with such an ease and in a graceful way a vampire would to lure u into their lair!!

The house. The one where I parked my car unconsciously. It is his parents’ house. He was staying elsewhere. The parents were elsewhere also. He was just stopping by to drop his sister along the way. This is as much as I got frm him. Outside of his house. At the gate, to be precise.

The minute he popped the invitation again, I was utterly afraid. My heart was pounding. Really-really fast. My body was moving thru the gate. But my mind was screaming what the f*** r u doing??? get outta there nowww! idiot!!!

I stopped. Turned around and said it loud n clear. “This is a mistake. I shouldn’t. Really. Your parents not here.”

He just stared at me with his poker face n said: “It’s fine. W is here. (his sis) B’sides, I need to show you somethin.”

ironic 08 part deux

hah! i noe what u all think…

what the heck is wrong with this gal???

well…it all started with a simple mind boggling stupidy. and ere how it goes:

 

i slept late last nite re-reading edward’s quote( courtesy of ‘NEW MOON’) , gosh! i wonder how i’m gnna live to have that kinda guy loving u for eternity? it’s just wow!!! so i slept hoping to dream that non-existence guy last nite…..

Only to wake up late two hours!!!! I got up, rushed for a brushing my teeth, rushed for taking a shower, rushed for putting on my clothes, make-up and etc. as soon as i got in the car, I step on the accelerator and sped along the road to Shah Alam. Only to just made it in time for my case. Phew!!

The bad thing bout coming late to court in S. Alam, was. If you reached the court after eight, the chance of you getting a parking slot is close to zero! that includes illegal parking along the sidewalk pavement.

So, I went in to look for a space here and there at the residential area just opposite the court compound. relieved to find at least a space behind a tiny car just outside a JKR residence. Once outside I got out, took my files, put on my jacket and then my eyes darted to the road sign. Oh crap! I stood still. But a honk broke my dazed and I quickly ran in my heels to cross the road headin to court.

Once inside the court, I strated off with my case without give a second thought on what just happened. That’s me. Work overcome my worries sumtime.

After that, was a different story.

I walked along the road after shouting my g’byes to my friends. Walking slowly, digging in my bag for my keys jumbled with other keys, I didn’t realized I was walking in the middle of the road. I was shocked when a soft honk of a big car, coming behind me. I startled, and accelerate my step to the side. The car slowed, and the heavy tinted windows slid down.

Guy  :  hey, funny seeing you ‘ere.(smiling dashingly)

Me   : (frowning like an idiot) hah? well…hi.(blushing like mad)

Guy  : you’re going sumwhere? I can give u a lift…(waitin for my answer)

Me    : Erm…(frantically looking for my keys in my bag, n pretend to grab sumthin)…it’s ok. I found my keys!

Guy   : (muka pelik, probbly coz i didn’t answer his question?) Owh….kay. You going home?

Me    : (suddenly stopped my walk. Realizing I’ve reached my car) Hmm. My car.

(the car suddenly stopped)

Me    : Erm…what are doing? Are you stalking me?

Guy   : Er…nope. (pointing to the house where my car parked) I’m going home.

Me     : Hah! I noe thattttt…(smiling sheepishly. if my bag were big enough, I’d stuffed my whole head in it!)

What do u know? It’s that guy again. R.

Amazingly superb in his Mercedes and oh, he was dressed casually today. I mean no full suit with a red tie (thank GOD! Coz I might drop dead rite there to c his red tie again!) He was dressed in a black shirt, his sleeves were folded up to his elbow, and a faded cool jeans. His hair was all ruffled, but in a cool way. I can smell his spicy aftershave….OMG he smells so goooddd...stop it!!

He took off his sunglasses and grinned widely. My heart fluttered wildly. But suddenly a girl got out from his passenger seat. Beautiful mind you! She glared at me, and with one nod to R she went to open the huge gate and went inside without a word.

R  : U probbly remember her. My sis.

Me : Oh. She’d grown! (of coz lah u idiot!!! it’s been thirteen years!) hahaha…

R  : wanna come in?

What do u think happened? Stay tune for the next episode….tonite…hahaha…

 

breaking up is hard to do….

the thing about aving a serious relationship is that, when u broke up…it stick to ur heart like a fossil and the memories just wouldn’t go away.

yea, sure, you’ll find yourself moving on…eventually. But it sure takes a looooonnnnggg time. it hurts. it’s painful. it’s heartbreakingly aching.

but after a few years, you tend to forget. and reminiscent d good and bad memories. ahhh…

and then when you found sumone who actually made you forget, and be happy, you’ll move on easily….

cOntInUaTION….

We had taken things for granted.

A lot. You might not realize it. But we do it everyday. Every hour. Every second.

Can u imagine not taking things for granted? Yes. I can only imagine it. But not practicing it.

Money.

Sports.

Movies.

Exams.

Family.

All these are part of the things that we take for granted everyday.

Me for instance, take a lot of things for granted. Work for instance: When I go for work, I’m certain I’ll get my salary every month. My clerks will do my works for me. My collegue will cover for me when I’m sick. My case will be smooth-flowing everytime I go to court.  It’s like a happy-happy ambience everytime you are working.

When i go home: I’ll find dinner will ready for us to eat. My Mom n Dad will be there sitting waitin for me to listen to my news of the day. My husband will be coming home and give me a hug. And then we’ll have dinner together happily and joyously.

When we watch the soccer match: (well, since my husband are a big fan of MAN UTD) He’ll put on his favourite jersey and sit in front of our tv, swearing, jumping and scolding the players, as well as the referree having so much faith in all those players. He’s so sure his favourite team will win the match without a single doubt.

Voting time: we’ve seen so many parties and politicians being so certain and taking things for granted that they will win.

Playing the rpg game and taking for granted you’ll win the game easily by using the cheats.

Meeting your boyfriend and taking for granted he’ll pay for everything.

Watching anime, and knowing the heroine will always ended up with the cutest hero in the story.

Hanging out with your friends knowing they’ll listen and support you stories. Always be on your side.

Poking and adding a friend in your facebook, certain that you’ll be poked back and added as a friend.

 

Yup…taking things for granted is like a habit that died hard. But things were never that simple. Take my life for example. I took for granted that I will be living happily with my spouse. Just the two of us. Together. Doing nothing. Just having fun. Paying ps2 games. PC games. Hanging out with friends and family. Staring at each other. Doing Nuthing. (Yup! I love doing that lately)…….aaahhhhh…how relaxing.

except it didn’t occur to me that we need to have children to complete the whole family pic.

Children? You mean like lil babies? tumbling out of me? Running around by the time they are one? Shitting whenever they want? That children?

My sis have been poking me since last two years…she wants to see babies! New one. From another person, not her. She’d retired by the way. I guess five is enough! Haha. Me?

Well, here’s the catch. I love shildren. Been taking care of them since 12 yrs old. All eleven of them. Except for the last one. Go to school. Feed the babies. Back from school. Lullaby them to sleep. Go to ngaji. Clean them up. Back from ngaji, play with them.

Unconsciously. I realized I took for granted that children are great. But they are not coming out of me. Ever! I’m happy with the way I am right now. Taking for granted that my family is okay with it. Taking for granted that my hubby is okay with it. Taking for granted that my friends is okay with it.

I mean, I got so used of making excuses for not making them. I’m HaPpYyYyy you guys!

Apparently, I also realized that I’ve to make one eventually.

So, guys…let’s say this together now:

DO NOT TAKE THINGS FOR GRANTED!!!!

 

 

i hate it when he was away. ( saya kene pi outstation nxt week)

i hate it more when he didn’t have time to call me. ( saya kene abiskan projek by end of this week)

i hate it when he thought i was okay. (awak sure okay kan biler saya takde?)

i hate it when he was sick.(…..akit perot sesangat nih….)

i hate it when i was worried about him and became angry for not being able to help im out.(saya kat hospital nih…warded..)

i hate it when he pissed me off by saying things i hate to hear!(i’m gonna be late…nak lepak ngan kengkawan…)

i hate it when he sleeps while we were dating. ( zzzzzzzzz….ha? pe awak cakap?…zzzz)

i hate it when he’s swearing at the ps2 game loudly while im trying to sleep! (f****lah…kayu betul!!!!)

i hate it when he refused to exercise. (takpe…saya tak gemukkk….)

i hate it when he’s making excuses for not exercising! (….lagipon saya takde maselahhhhh…)

I HATE IT THAT I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!

    BOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!