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Have you ever face all your ex-es all in one year?

When you think you had overcome them all?

Ive posted a reality event not so long ago….
and another….

But all that never equal to this event that took place a few nights ago that it still stuck in my head presently…

I remember posted a blog on this guy a long time ago…
My history with him is quite confusing…we grew up together, being thru a lot together, he even slapped me once for being so arrogantly snobbish…haha! yup, I was very grateful for him for slapping me. It actually opened my eyes wide to change my attitude.

I was always with a guy. Romantically. Our relationship was strictly platonic. Although I felt the sparks flying hazardly everytime we spend the time together. My head keep thinking…it will never happen. He’s just such a good friend. I’d never destroy that friendship. Nevertheless, he was sick. And it runs in the family. I mean he lost his brother to the illness he was having. So, we never hope for him to get thru it.

I remember it well, I was in my 2nd year of A-Level when I found out he died. I nearly killed myself. Slicing my wrist. But prior to that I told my now hubby that I couldn’t take it. I was so frustrated I wanted to end it all. My hubby talked me out of it. He actually saved my life.

But this happened.
He came back. Yes. Him. The guy whom I thought was dead.
The truth was? He faked his death. Just so to leave my life. Why? Because he couldn’t take it that he was just in the way of my happiness. And he couldn’t see me with another guy. Suffering. Torturing myself. It was just sad. (it was a long story) So he faked his death. Faked. Left me alone to face his death was for me. Can you believe that?

He called my office last week. Asking to meet me. I ignored him. But then he said he was leaving. For good. I was scared. I can never face the same thing again. I figured, why not? Just close the book once and for all. (onestly I thought it was ghost calling…bulu roma meremang siyot!!)

This is different from my past relationship. This is bigger. This is HIM.

So I made up my mind and went down to meet him. Imagine my surprise when I saw him sitting at a shop’s stairs staring at me. Those eyes…those lips…those stare…my throat went dry. I regretted my decision….

Wonder what happened?

ladies, here’s a piece of advice 4 you players
after u broke up frm a realationship
make sure you move on to another country(or world if possible)
because when you think you’re over HIM (or not)
he might just pop up in front of you

Today is a typical SUNDAY for me
morning have breakfast,
move on to lunch(or maybe a short shopping moment)
then dinner

But today I had a great feeling
I was in a mood for a lone walk
(meaning walkin alone while njoyin selfless pleasure of window shopping)

went to c new arrivals in iSetan
went to c new UNDEAD series in kinokuniya
went to c new phone models
went to c new laptop

yeah, dat was really enjoyable for me

until…I met sumone from my past

I was actually waitin in line for my parents’ lunch
when a tap on my shoulder broke my daze
I turned to c a tall man, with a white stripe shirt, with a beads necklace hung on his tanned neck, high cheekbone, long eyelashes, and a killer smile(equipped with dimples!!!!) staring at me.

GUY: Hi.
Me : Hi
GUY: You look familiar.
Me : (looking at the child he’s carrying) Hmm…
GUY: BBGS?
Me: (stunned. brainstorming a specific event wer the hell have I met this guy in school??) Shyea.
GUY: Dance class?
Me: (at this point, my memories came rushing back to me like a twister…IT HURTS) Ak ah?
GUY: I knew it. Jessie right? ( he laughed so loud that the child was trembling)
Me: (OMG!!! No!) Azam?
Guy: What do ya know? We finally meet again!

At this juncture, I got my lunch, and ave a good chat with him. Azam was a friend I knew back when I took a dance class while I was schooling. We were frequently made as dance partner in the class. Not that we look good with each other(which we do!) but because our dance sync with each other’s step easily. It’s like we knew each other’s body so well.

The thing is when we dance there’s a certain aura mixing with a tinge of emotion. It couldn’t be help. It just happened. I thought I was having the biggest crush of my life. He was so geeky and cool at the same time. Sexy! But when he danced…wow! Even the teacher were smitten by him. We’d tango-ing each other for quite a while when, he asked me out. For a tea, while waitin for my mom. We did. We hit it off. IT was magical.

Until..his girlfriend turned up few weeks later. Bad enuf, she was my bus-mate. And my classmate.

That’s the history. We had a feeling for each other but didn’t dare to make a move.

Now, he’s standing before me. Holding a very cute child with curly hair. What the heck is happening?

While we chatted, I casually asked the child, how old she is. She’s only four. Wow! I thought. He must’ve been married a long time. Happily married. With dimples. But the conversation changed when he answered another killer question of mine.

Me: So, where’s her mother? (pretending to look around)

Guy: She’s waitin for her food.

Me: Owh. How long have you been married?

Guy: (looking confused suddenly) Me? Married?

Me: (covering my embarassment with a cheeky smile) Well, she is your child, right?

Guy: ( laughing huskily, and I kept staring at his dimples) No lah! She’s my niece.

Me: (looking relieved accidentally!!) Owh. Sorry. I thought she’s yours. She’s so cute.

Guy: Why do you think I’m married?

Me: Well..(breaking my head for a quick genius answer) ….the last we met, you were seriously dating A?

Guy: (silent, he mumbled somethin to his niece’s ear) That was history.

Okay, right now, things got hot. A lil hot then I intended it to be. But being a veteran in meeting my past bf, I decided to end it here. Right there while it was still hot. So, I casually glanced at my watch absently. Remarking how my parents are gonna be mad if their lunches are late, smiled and walk away. (Well…that was my initial plan) It’s sound simple enough. Laid out nicely. I just need to execute it. Precisely at that moment, his sis came shake my hand and tok the child with her, leaving me n him alone. Bad timing.

Apparently, he wanted to talk. Of course! Why does all the guy in the world wanted to talk? Don’t they have any better things to do at home? Like…shaking their booty in the internet? So there we were sitting together, he belanja me air bandung(sedap giler! or perhaps becoz he belanja? Haha). We chatted about our progress in life. Never have I mentioned being married. Since I was not wearing my rings this time. (Ichy fingers!)

He’s working with Petronas. Another engineer. Travels a lot so no time for relationship. At least that’s my perception. Still single after three bad relationships. (Nuthin compares to me, right?) I asked him about A, and he casually informed me that she’s happily married and lives in Melaka. Wow! That’s it, huh? I tried to avoid about our time together, but it was inevitable. He started it first, as if he wanted to ask that question since the first time he tap my shoulder.

Guy: Remember back then? We danced together? Remember that time?

(is this where I’m supposed to remember how IN LOVE I was with him? ) I nodded.

Guy: Do you think we would’ve been a great couple?

(Bullshit! What kind of question is that? Of course!) I shrugged.

Guy: Do you want to try?

(What the HELL??? Just like that? after 19 years? No way!!!! He’s just teasing me!)

Me: (staring at him while laughin unfeminiely) Hah! Yeah right? Like, you wish!

Guy: I’m not joking. I’ve been a mess since I ended with A. You do remember how hard we tried to avoid each         other? (his dimples deepened)

Me: (how the heck am I suppose to get out of this?) I’m married, Azam.

There! Take that you idiot! You should’ve have turn up five years ago, when I WAS A MESS!

So, that ended our accidental chat. After all that confrontation. I found out, that the feeling he had for me back then and vise versa, was a caged feeling that nvr had the chance to break free. Going into a risky relationship with him now would only cause pain or perhaps a revelation for both of us. Because we both had changed. A lot. I’m not me 19 years ago. Further, our body might not even sync with each other when we dance now.

So, there! Another past guy had passed me. And I didn’t bother to ask for his number.

is bcoz my nieces asked me to update my blog…

well, ive been silent 4 quite a while,

Been busy with works, family, and love

Yeah, work took priority

But u may realize after all my entries

I shld ave my family as my 1st priority…

Well, d reason being so is dat…

Ive been crying a lot lately,

It started a few months ago

Tension, stress and most probbly loneliness

IT hurts to cry so much

IT also hurts to noe dat u may not b able to work it out

IT just hurts dat u can’t tell anyone about it

IT hurts…

I found out dat, when u overtension urself

(well for me at least)

U turn to GOD for help

and in addition to dat,

I turn to work…work, work, work, and more work…

It was okay when my hubby is around to hear me babbles

But he’s not here…I felt like maybe I shld just babbles to myself

Alas, it doesn’t work…in fact, it got worse

I used to cry under d shower

Agonizing my hubby when he c me dat way

But he noes what to do

Hug me n tell me it’s ok

Sumtime I don’t even noe y I cried

Just need to let it all out

D truth is, I don’t cry a lot

Im certainly not a crybaby

Never cry at funerals

Never cry watchin sad movie

But i do cry while reading a book

Weird , huh?

Maybe I kept too much inside

I felt like, if I let it out…it might burden others

I hate my own opinion

Had a bad experience on that(nvr wanna to repeat that)

I’ve learnt to keep everythin to myself

Amazingly, shuttin myself from d outside world

It may sound impossible….but It’s not

so there….ive update my blog

being miserable for few months

does not warrant me to blog myself….

but it sure does help me with one thing

knowing that you noe Im in misery

does help me feel better

yea, it’s actually a title to my fave song

it expressed every lil bit of emotion

it projected my own voice

it spoke out my inner feeling

the exclusive wordin n details gives a sneek peak into my soul

what worst could’ve become into my life?

im grateful for every single torture I borne n still bear

in fact i am not me today if it’s not 4 all d experiences

during my remisniscence

one thing n only one slid into my mind

others had worst…mine might just b a pea in a bowl

therefore,

here Iam

being thankful

to those people / group of people

who’d made my life miserable

intoxicated

suffocated

n life changing

its refreshing. to go thru everyday

in exactly

the same way

me being in a state of busy-ness, and confusion isn’t helping.

well, let’s just continue with our recollection from the last entry. I’ve receive e-mails bout this guy from my past. My dear friends….he’s not GAY!!!

okay, where was I? Oh yes, he was askin bout his ring.

well, here goes. the truth is: when i was going steady with Azim, we made a deal (on paper in fact!), that I would not wear the damn ring as long as we’re together. Thats exactly where it is. Still in my drawer, in my office. In the jewellery box. Nicely tugged in for eternity.

But, how the heck am I suppose to tell this -handsome-rugged-yet-still-single guy before me that I still kept his ring in my drawer? Will he ask for me to return it? I mean, c’mon! HE’s rich now, he could afford to buy a new BIGGER ring for the next woman to come into his life. For the RIGHT. ONE.

But then again, what if I told him that I’d threw it off? Or pawned it? Or lost it? Would he thought that I am such a bitch he actually dated? WHAAA -??!!! Seriously, that made my head spin!

He probably saw me grimacing at myself. My face show it all. I’m not good in hiding what I feel. It suxs. I was thinking so hard. It made my brain electrocuted.

R     : Just tell me the truth. I won’t get mad.

Here’s the truth about the truth. IT HURTS. So, we lie.

ME  : (sighin softly) I think I lost it.

R    : (stared at me with his poker face again. Slowly smile) IT’s okay. Never thought you might keep it anyway.

ME  : (BUT I DID!!!) Hmm. I’m such a bad person, huh?

I started to turn n leave the room. But he grabbed me….

R   : (after a long pause, I too, gazed into his eyes) Are you happy?

OH CRIPES! WTF? Why was he suddenly asking me that question? The only question that cramped my head after our last accidental meeting.

Me  : Would it matter to you?

R    : Why wouldn’t it matter?

Me : ’cause I’m married. D’uh!

R   : (silent for a moment. Just keep staring at me.)

Me : (starting to loose it) I’m sorry for whatever I’ve caused you. I remember everything. You taught me so much about relationship. About..guys. About…love. Passion. I’m sorry for…(I took a deep breath)…breakin your heart. 

When he was still quiet, I decided to say g’bye to his lil sister (who happened to be standing there with her wide eyes), and headed down.

W followed me down, and stand by the door, as I put on my skanky shoes. I smiled at  her and said my thanks for their hospitality.  Outside the gate I turned to face the door again, I saw a glimpse of his sweet tortured face at the door.

Oh man! He was so handsome. His perfect feature. His lips. His eyes. HIS SMELL. Urgh!

So, I decided to tell him the truth. And shouted: FYI, I lied. I still have your ring.

And I left.

There goes the perfect closure.

guess these ppl really indulge in scandals!!!! shame on u!!

since d last entry ppl bugged me to continue. i’ve been procrastinatin the continuation. x that i’ve forgotten the fateful event, it’s just that i’ve felt uncomfortable tellin the world what a badass bi-yatch I am.

Anyway, there r few things i need to make clear about my history with R. Here goes:

1. we knew each other thru my best friend in hi-school.
2. we gt serious after SPM.
3. we cont our r/ship til after i gt into ‘U’.
4. yes, he proposed to me….b4 I broke up with Him.

There. I answered MOST of ur questions. Satisfied? Haha…made u guys ticked lil bit there, didn’t I?

Well, where did I left u guys wonderin? Oh yeah…he invited me in. Did I accept his offer?

Frankly, I was still beyond bliss after our last confrontation where he left me in confusion. I was shaking with angst waitin to explode. He gt the guts to speak to me with such an ease and in a graceful way a vampire would to lure u into their lair!!

The house. The one where I parked my car unconsciously. It is his parents’ house. He was staying elsewhere. The parents were elsewhere also. He was just stopping by to drop his sister along the way. This is as much as I got frm him. Outside of his house. At the gate, to be precise.

The minute he popped the invitation again, I was utterly afraid. My heart was pounding. Really-really fast. My body was moving thru the gate. But my mind was screaming what the f*** r u doing??? get outta there nowww! idiot!!!

I stopped. Turned around and said it loud n clear. “This is a mistake. I shouldn’t. Really. Your parents not here.”

He just stared at me with his poker face n said: “It’s fine. W is here. (his sis) B’sides, I need to show you somethin.”

With that simple explanation, I walked in. Trying hard to push aside the hard voice in my head : Back out!! Back Out!!!!

As I stepped inside the hall, which was very nicely n elegantly decorated, with antique furnitures, couple of famous artworks(both international n local), n d floors were lavishly carpeted. It’d changed since d last time I visited his home. Which was like…more than thirteen yrs ago? Wow! I actually just went thru a nostalgic moment!

Cripes! This is worse than I thought. I shld turn back n head home now.

As I cowardly turned around, I realized it was too late then. He was already there with cold drinks, beaming sexily at me. (oh boy! This is really a bad idea…)

So, I decided to just f*** it all, n enjoy d moment. Finally, I figured, I really didn’t want to give this VERY nice guy any more hard time. I shld just grant him a total disclosure. And I see this as a perfect opportunity to do so.

Well, we sat n talked like d longest time. He nvr take his eyes off me. It certainly felt weird when someone really focus on every single words u said. I suddenly felt like the necessity to really take a good care of anything that’s coming out of my mouth mounting high. And it was not helping when he smells so good, and looking damn good too.

Then, with pure politeness, he asked me to follow him to his old room. Which I casually agreed. And to which I certainly don’t know why? He could’ve easily raped n left me to die there for all I know!

As we reached d small room, which was practically empty, save for a closet n a single bed. He showed me a brown moving box. Scribbled “R’s stuffs” on top. And out of no where W, came up n sarcastically noted saying when is he gonna remove the box as it has created a bit of spider webs and the dust is causing her to be uncomfortable. I was surprised when he started to explain:

R : do u know what this is? certainly you might have guessed it by now.

Me : (scratchin my head, n lookin blur) nope. should i know?

R : (grinning like a child) It’s my treasure.

Okay…rite now I’m freaking out. Really! Damn shit freaking out. Is this where I shld act like normal n just nodded. And take the box and leave? Takin all my pride and dump it under my armpit?? I practically, psyche and know the contents of the box. But I left it open for him to clearly show it to me.

Me : Treasure? (he must’ve think i’m an idiot!)

R : do u want me to open it for you? (moving towards the box)

Me : why? (lookin unsure as he squat n opening the box)

R : r u in a hurry? (he gave me that killer smile again)

Me : (frantically looking at my watch n fighting to nod vigorously) er…I can spare sum time. (bugger!!!)

R : (nodding happily) great…

As he opened the seal of the box, we stared together at the contents. There it were. All the stuffs I’ve given to him, inclusive an album of me, cards, cassettes ( I love to record love songs to express my feelings), ribbons, my t-shirt, and my school magazine!!!! WTF?

We looked thru the stuffs n joke about the memories of each item. It was kinda fun. Making a fool of each other, n laugh at our foolishness back then. Wow! I nvr felt better. But alas, I’ve been thru this situation before. He wanted to return these things to me. Obviously. ! I mean, Azim did. Nik did. Z did. This is the closure that he needs!!

R : do u want it back?

Me : do u want to give it back? (at the back of my mind, just f****** give it back u moron!)

R : I was asking u first. After all, it is ur stuff.

Me : (after a long minute, I sighed) The thing is, I gave these things to u. Sincerely. It’s officially yours. I would only accept it, if you rather think you shld give them to me. And I totally understand if you want to.

R : (he was frowning again, running his hand thru his raked spiky hair) I’m actually glad u said that. (WHAT??? R U KIDDING ME???)

and he continue his explanation:

R : in fact, I was thinking of keeping it….(then he looked up at me intensely)…until I found, The. Right. One. Then, I would certainly think I would have to bury the treasure. And move on.

Me : (gawking at this minute. trying to comprehend the situation i was in) U….would…like….to…keep it?

R : Is that ok with you?

Me : (what the hell shld I say? I’d love you to? No! Give it back? What? what? what? So, I answered it in the most neutral way.) I guess so.

R : (he was visually happy with the answer) great. (but stopped midway) Somethins been buggin me.

Me : Oh. (crap!) What is it? (trying to lift my sides of mouth to smile nervously)

R : I was wonderin what happened to the ring I gave u?

Okay, by now…all hell broke loose. In case u haven’t notice, he’d nvr once ask me who I’m married to. And I didn’t bother to tell him. And surely I seriously didn’t know how to reply to that.

So, I’m just gonna leave that for my next entry. Stay tune for the next episode!!

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