I beginning to wonder…
this year might be THE toughest challenge Ive ever been thru with my hubby. It’s so not stated in my horroscope nor in the chinese year prediction (being born in the snake year might means sumthin, rite?)
It just so happens that the same occurence took place 6 years ago…eerie…
However, I got over it until now…

Have you ever face all your ex-es all in one year?

When you think you had overcome them all?

Ive posted a reality event not so long ago….
and another….

But all that never equal to this event that took place a few nights ago that it still stuck in my head presently…

I remember posted a blog on this guy a long time ago…
My history with him is quite confusing…we grew up together, being thru a lot together, he even slapped me once for being so arrogantly snobbish…haha! yup, I was very grateful for him for slapping me. It actually opened my eyes wide to change my attitude.

I was always with a guy. Romantically. Our relationship was strictly platonic. Although I felt the sparks flying hazardly everytime we spend the time together. My head keep thinking…it will never happen. He’s just such a good friend. I’d never destroy that friendship. Nevertheless, he was sick. And it runs in the family. I mean he lost his brother to the illness he was having. So, we never hope for him to get thru it.

I remember it well, I was in my 2nd year of A-Level when I found out he died. I nearly killed myself. Slicing my wrist. But prior to that I told my now hubby that I couldn’t take it. I was so frustrated I wanted to end it all. My hubby talked me out of it. He actually saved my life.

But this happened.
He came back. Yes. Him. The guy whom I thought was dead.
The truth was? He faked his death. Just so to leave my life. Why? Because he couldn’t take it that he was just in the way of my happiness. And he couldn’t see me with another guy. Suffering. Torturing myself. It was just sad. (it was a long story) So he faked his death. Faked. Left me alone to face his death was for me. Can you believe that?

He called my office last week. Asking to meet me. I ignored him. But then he said he was leaving. For good. I was scared. I can never face the same thing again. I figured, why not? Just close the book once and for all. (onestly I thought it was ghost calling…bulu roma meremang siyot!!)

This is different from my past relationship. This is bigger. This is HIM.

So I made up my mind and went down to meet him. Imagine my surprise when I saw him sitting at a shop’s stairs staring at me. Those eyes…those lips…those stare…my throat went dry. I regretted my decision….

Wonder what happened?

wtf is going on with my life this year?
sumthin is buggin me d whole year
and it’s definitely not LOVE.
Instead, it was LOVED.

ladies, here’s a piece of advice 4 you players
after u broke up frm a realationship
make sure you move on to another country(or world if possible)
because when you think you’re over HIM (or not)
he might just pop up in front of you

Today is a typical SUNDAY for me
morning have breakfast,
move on to lunch(or maybe a short shopping moment)
then dinner

But today I had a great feeling
I was in a mood for a lone walk
(meaning walkin alone while njoyin selfless pleasure of window shopping)

went to c new arrivals in iSetan
went to c new UNDEAD series in kinokuniya
went to c new phone models
went to c new laptop

yeah, dat was really enjoyable for me

until…I met sumone from my past

I was actually waitin in line for my parents’ lunch
when a tap on my shoulder broke my daze
I turned to c a tall man, with a white stripe shirt, with a beads necklace hung on his tanned neck, high cheekbone, long eyelashes, and a killer smile(equipped with dimples!!!!) staring at me.

GUY: Hi.
Me : Hi
GUY: You look familiar.
Me : (looking at the child he’s carrying) Hmm…
GUY: BBGS?
Me: (stunned. brainstorming a specific event wer the hell have I met this guy in school??) Shyea.
GUY: Dance class?
Me: (at this point, my memories came rushing back to me like a twister…IT HURTS) Ak ah?
GUY: I knew it. Jessie right? ( he laughed so loud that the child was trembling)
Me: (OMG!!! No!) Azam?
Guy: What do ya know? We finally meet again!

At this juncture, I got my lunch, and ave a good chat with him. Azam was a friend I knew back when I took a dance class while I was schooling. We were frequently made as dance partner in the class. Not that we look good with each other(which we do!) but because our dance sync with each other’s step easily. It’s like we knew each other’s body so well.

The thing is when we dance there’s a certain aura mixing with a tinge of emotion. It couldn’t be help. It just happened. I thought I was having the biggest crush of my life. He was so geeky and cool at the same time. Sexy! But when he danced…wow! Even the teacher were smitten by him. We’d tango-ing each other for quite a while when, he asked me out. For a tea, while waitin for my mom. We did. We hit it off. IT was magical.

Until..his girlfriend turned up few weeks later. Bad enuf, she was my bus-mate. And my classmate.

That’s the history. We had a feeling for each other but didn’t dare to make a move.

Now, he’s standing before me. Holding a very cute child with curly hair. What the heck is happening?

While we chatted, I casually asked the child, how old she is. She’s only four. Wow! I thought. He must’ve been married a long time. Happily married. With dimples. But the conversation changed when he answered another killer question of mine.

Me: So, where’s her mother? (pretending to look around)

Guy: She’s waitin for her food.

Me: Owh. How long have you been married?

Guy: (looking confused suddenly) Me? Married?

Me: (covering my embarassment with a cheeky smile) Well, she is your child, right?

Guy: ( laughing huskily, and I kept staring at his dimples) No lah! She’s my niece.

Me: (looking relieved accidentally!!) Owh. Sorry. I thought she’s yours. She’s so cute.

Guy: Why do you think I’m married?

Me: Well..(breaking my head for a quick genius answer) ….the last we met, you were seriously dating A?

Guy: (silent, he mumbled somethin to his niece’s ear) That was history.

Okay, right now, things got hot. A lil hot then I intended it to be. But being a veteran in meeting my past bf, I decided to end it here. Right there while it was still hot. So, I casually glanced at my watch absently. Remarking how my parents are gonna be mad if their lunches are late, smiled and walk away. (Well…that was my initial plan) It’s sound simple enough. Laid out nicely. I just need to execute it. Precisely at that moment, his sis came shake my hand and tok the child with her, leaving me n him alone. Bad timing.

Apparently, he wanted to talk. Of course! Why does all the guy in the world wanted to talk? Don’t they have any better things to do at home? Like…shaking their booty in the internet? So there we were sitting together, he belanja me air bandung(sedap giler! or perhaps becoz he belanja? Haha). We chatted about our progress in life. Never have I mentioned being married. Since I was not wearing my rings this time. (Ichy fingers!)

He’s working with Petronas. Another engineer. Travels a lot so no time for relationship. At least that’s my perception. Still single after three bad relationships. (Nuthin compares to me, right?) I asked him about A, and he casually informed me that she’s happily married and lives in Melaka. Wow! That’s it, huh? I tried to avoid about our time together, but it was inevitable. He started it first, as if he wanted to ask that question since the first time he tap my shoulder.

Guy: Remember back then? We danced together? Remember that time?

(is this where I’m supposed to remember how IN LOVE I was with him? ) I nodded.

Guy: Do you think we would’ve been a great couple?

(Bullshit! What kind of question is that? Of course!) I shrugged.

Guy: Do you want to try?

(What the HELL??? Just like that? after 19 years? No way!!!! He’s just teasing me!)

Me: (staring at him while laughin unfeminiely) Hah! Yeah right? Like, you wish!

Guy: I’m not joking. I’ve been a mess since I ended with A. You do remember how hard we tried to avoid each         other? (his dimples deepened)

Me: (how the heck am I suppose to get out of this?) I’m married, Azam.

There! Take that you idiot! You should’ve have turn up five years ago, when I WAS A MESS!

So, that ended our accidental chat. After all that confrontation. I found out, that the feeling he had for me back then and vise versa, was a caged feeling that nvr had the chance to break free. Going into a risky relationship with him now would only cause pain or perhaps a revelation for both of us. Because we both had changed. A lot. I’m not me 19 years ago. Further, our body might not even sync with each other when we dance now.

So, there! Another past guy had passed me. And I didn’t bother to ask for his number.

the only reason im writing this

is bcoz my nieces asked me to update my blog…

well, ive been silent 4 quite a while,

Been busy with works, family, and love

Yeah, work took priority

But u may realize after all my entries

I shld ave my family as my 1st priority…

Well, d reason being so is dat…

Ive been crying a lot lately,

It started a few months ago

Tension, stress and most probbly loneliness

IT hurts to cry so much

IT also hurts to noe dat u may not b able to work it out

IT just hurts dat u can’t tell anyone about it

IT hurts…

I found out dat, when u overtension urself

(well for me at least)

U turn to GOD for help

and in addition to dat,

I turn to work…work, work, work, and more work…

It was okay when my hubby is around to hear me babbles

But he’s not here…I felt like maybe I shld just babbles to myself

Alas, it doesn’t work…in fact, it got worse

I used to cry under d shower

Agonizing my hubby when he c me dat way

But he noes what to do

Hug me n tell me it’s ok

Sumtime I don’t even noe y I cried

Just need to let it all out

D truth is, I don’t cry a lot

Im certainly not a crybaby

Never cry at funerals

Never cry watchin sad movie

But i do cry while reading a book

Weird , huh?

Maybe I kept too much inside

I felt like, if I let it out…it might burden others

I hate my own opinion

Had a bad experience on that(nvr wanna to repeat that)

I’ve learnt to keep everythin to myself

Amazingly, shuttin myself from d outside world

It may sound impossible….but It’s not

so there….ive update my blog

being miserable for few months

does not warrant me to blog myself….

but it sure does help me with one thing

knowing that you noe Im in misery

does help me feel better

sounds familiar?

yea, it’s actually a title to my fave song

it expressed every lil bit of emotion

it projected my own voice

it spoke out my inner feeling

the exclusive wordin n details gives a sneek peak into my soul

what worst could’ve become into my life?

im grateful for every single torture I borne n still bear

in fact i am not me today if it’s not 4 all d experiences

during my remisniscence

one thing n only one slid into my mind

others had worst…mine might just b a pea in a bowl

therefore,

here Iam

being thankful

to those people / group of people

who’d made my life miserable

intoxicated

suffocated

n life changing

its refreshing. to go thru everyday

in exactly

the same way

sorry for the delay.

me being in a state of busy-ness, and confusion isn’t helping.

well, let’s just continue with our recollection from the last entry. I’ve receive e-mails bout this guy from my past. My dear friends….he’s not GAY!!!

okay, where was I? Oh yes, he was askin bout his ring.

well, here goes. the truth is: when i was going steady with Azim, we made a deal (on paper in fact!), that I would not wear the damn ring as long as we’re together. Thats exactly where it is. Still in my drawer, in my office. In the jewellery box. Nicely tugged in for eternity.

But, how the heck am I suppose to tell this -handsome-rugged-yet-still-single guy before me that I still kept his ring in my drawer? Will he ask for me to return it? I mean, c’mon! HE’s rich now, he could afford to buy a new BIGGER ring for the next woman to come into his life. For the RIGHT. ONE.

But then again, what if I told him that I’d threw it off? Or pawned it? Or lost it? Would he thought that I am such a bitch he actually dated? WHAAA -??!!! Seriously, that made my head spin!

He probably saw me grimacing at myself. My face show it all. I’m not good in hiding what I feel. It suxs. I was thinking so hard. It made my brain electrocuted.

R     : Just tell me the truth. I won’t get mad.

Here’s the truth about the truth. IT HURTS. So, we lie.

ME  : (sighin softly) I think I lost it.

R    : (stared at me with his poker face again. Slowly smile) IT’s okay. Never thought you might keep it anyway.

ME  : (BUT I DID!!!) Hmm. I’m such a bad person, huh?

I started to turn n leave the room. But he grabbed me….

R   : (after a long pause, I too, gazed into his eyes) Are you happy?

OH CRIPES! WTF? Why was he suddenly asking me that question? The only question that cramped my head after our last accidental meeting.

Me  : Would it matter to you?

R    : Why wouldn’t it matter?

Me : ’cause I’m married. D’uh!

R   : (silent for a moment. Just keep staring at me.)

Me : (starting to loose it) I’m sorry for whatever I’ve caused you. I remember everything. You taught me so much about relationship. About..guys. About…love. Passion. I’m sorry for…(I took a deep breath)…breakin your heart. 

When he was still quiet, I decided to say g’bye to his lil sister (who happened to be standing there with her wide eyes), and headed down.

W followed me down, and stand by the door, as I put on my skanky shoes. I smiled at  her and said my thanks for their hospitality.  Outside the gate I turned to face the door again, I saw a glimpse of his sweet tortured face at the door.

Oh man! He was so handsome. His perfect feature. His lips. His eyes. HIS SMELL. Urgh!

So, I decided to tell him the truth. And shouted: FYI, I lied. I still have your ring.

And I left.

There goes the perfect closure.

OMG!! Nvr thought this blog cld b such a hit about me n R???

guess these ppl really indulge in scandals!!!! shame on u!!

since d last entry ppl bugged me to continue. i’ve been procrastinatin the continuation. x that i’ve forgotten the fateful event, it’s just that i’ve felt uncomfortable tellin the world what a badass bi-yatch I am.

Anyway, there r few things i need to make clear about my history with R. Here goes:

1. we knew each other thru my best friend in hi-school.
2. we gt serious after SPM.
3. we cont our r/ship til after i gt into ‘U’.
4. yes, he proposed to me….b4 I broke up with Him.

There. I answered MOST of ur questions. Satisfied? Haha…made u guys ticked lil bit there, didn’t I?

Well, where did I left u guys wonderin? Oh yeah…he invited me in. Did I accept his offer?

Frankly, I was still beyond bliss after our last confrontation where he left me in confusion. I was shaking with angst waitin to explode. He gt the guts to speak to me with such an ease and in a graceful way a vampire would to lure u into their lair!!

The house. The one where I parked my car unconsciously. It is his parents’ house. He was staying elsewhere. The parents were elsewhere also. He was just stopping by to drop his sister along the way. This is as much as I got frm him. Outside of his house. At the gate, to be precise.

The minute he popped the invitation again, I was utterly afraid. My heart was pounding. Really-really fast. My body was moving thru the gate. But my mind was screaming what the f*** r u doing??? get outta there nowww! idiot!!!

I stopped. Turned around and said it loud n clear. “This is a mistake. I shouldn’t. Really. Your parents not here.”

He just stared at me with his poker face n said: “It’s fine. W is here. (his sis) B’sides, I need to show you somethin.”

With that simple explanation, I walked in. Trying hard to push aside the hard voice in my head : Back out!! Back Out!!!!

As I stepped inside the hall, which was very nicely n elegantly decorated, with antique furnitures, couple of famous artworks(both international n local), n d floors were lavishly carpeted. It’d changed since d last time I visited his home. Which was like…more than thirteen yrs ago? Wow! I actually just went thru a nostalgic moment!

Cripes! This is worse than I thought. I shld turn back n head home now.

As I cowardly turned around, I realized it was too late then. He was already there with cold drinks, beaming sexily at me. (oh boy! This is really a bad idea…)

So, I decided to just f*** it all, n enjoy d moment. Finally, I figured, I really didn’t want to give this VERY nice guy any more hard time. I shld just grant him a total disclosure. And I see this as a perfect opportunity to do so.

Well, we sat n talked like d longest time. He nvr take his eyes off me. It certainly felt weird when someone really focus on every single words u said. I suddenly felt like the necessity to really take a good care of anything that’s coming out of my mouth mounting high. And it was not helping when he smells so good, and looking damn good too.

Then, with pure politeness, he asked me to follow him to his old room. Which I casually agreed. And to which I certainly don’t know why? He could’ve easily raped n left me to die there for all I know!

As we reached d small room, which was practically empty, save for a closet n a single bed. He showed me a brown moving box. Scribbled “R’s stuffs” on top. And out of no where W, came up n sarcastically noted saying when is he gonna remove the box as it has created a bit of spider webs and the dust is causing her to be uncomfortable. I was surprised when he started to explain:

R : do u know what this is? certainly you might have guessed it by now.

Me : (scratchin my head, n lookin blur) nope. should i know?

R : (grinning like a child) It’s my treasure.

Okay…rite now I’m freaking out. Really! Damn shit freaking out. Is this where I shld act like normal n just nodded. And take the box and leave? Takin all my pride and dump it under my armpit?? I practically, psyche and know the contents of the box. But I left it open for him to clearly show it to me.

Me : Treasure? (he must’ve think i’m an idiot!)

R : do u want me to open it for you? (moving towards the box)

Me : why? (lookin unsure as he squat n opening the box)

R : r u in a hurry? (he gave me that killer smile again)

Me : (frantically looking at my watch n fighting to nod vigorously) er…I can spare sum time. (bugger!!!)

R : (nodding happily) great…

As he opened the seal of the box, we stared together at the contents. There it were. All the stuffs I’ve given to him, inclusive an album of me, cards, cassettes ( I love to record love songs to express my feelings), ribbons, my t-shirt, and my school magazine!!!! WTF?

We looked thru the stuffs n joke about the memories of each item. It was kinda fun. Making a fool of each other, n laugh at our foolishness back then. Wow! I nvr felt better. But alas, I’ve been thru this situation before. He wanted to return these things to me. Obviously. ! I mean, Azim did. Nik did. Z did. This is the closure that he needs!!

R : do u want it back?

Me : do u want to give it back? (at the back of my mind, just f****** give it back u moron!)

R : I was asking u first. After all, it is ur stuff.

Me : (after a long minute, I sighed) The thing is, I gave these things to u. Sincerely. It’s officially yours. I would only accept it, if you rather think you shld give them to me. And I totally understand if you want to.

R : (he was frowning again, running his hand thru his raked spiky hair) I’m actually glad u said that. (WHAT??? R U KIDDING ME???)

and he continue his explanation:

R : in fact, I was thinking of keeping it….(then he looked up at me intensely)…until I found, The. Right. One. Then, I would certainly think I would have to bury the treasure. And move on.

Me : (gawking at this minute. trying to comprehend the situation i was in) U….would…like….to…keep it?

R : Is that ok with you?

Me : (what the hell shld I say? I’d love you to? No! Give it back? What? what? what? So, I answered it in the most neutral way.) I guess so.

R : (he was visually happy with the answer) great. (but stopped midway) Somethins been buggin me.

Me : Oh. (crap!) What is it? (trying to lift my sides of mouth to smile nervously)

R : I was wonderin what happened to the ring I gave u?

Okay, by now…all hell broke loose. In case u haven’t notice, he’d nvr once ask me who I’m married to. And I didn’t bother to tell him. And surely I seriously didn’t know how to reply to that.

So, I’m just gonna leave that for my next entry. Stay tune for the next episode!!

]]> http://juita2cute.wordpress.com/2008/05/17/ironic-08-part-deux-ii/feed/ 1 juita2cute http://juita2cute.wordpress.com/2008/05/15/ironic-08-part-deux/ http://juita2cute.wordpress.com/2008/05/15/ironic-08-part-deux/#comments Thu, 15 May 2008 00:14:06 +0000 juita2cute http://juita2cute.wordpress.com/?p=52 ]]>

hah! i noe what u all think…

what the heck is wrong with this gal???

well…it all started with a simple mind boggling stupidy. and ere how it goes:

i slept late last nite re-reading edward’s quote( courtesy of ‘NEW MOON’) , gosh! i wonder how i’m gnna live to have that kinda guy loving u for eternity? it’s just wow!!! so i slept hoping to dream that non-existence guy last nite…..

Only to wake up late two hours!!!! I got up, rushed for a brushing my teeth, rushed for taking a shower, rushed for putting on my clothes, make-up and etc. as soon as i got in the car, I step on the accelerator and sped along the road to Shah Alam. Only to just made it in time for my case. Phew!!

The bad thing bout coming late to court in S. Alam, was. If you reached the court after eight, the chance of you getting a parking slot is close to zero! that includes illegal parking along the sidewalk pavement.

So, I went in to look for a space here and there at the residential area just opposite the court compound. relieved to find at least a space behind a tiny car just outside a JKR residence. Once outside I got out, took my files, put on my jacket and then my eyes darted to the road sign. Oh crap! I stood still. But a honk broke my dazed and I quickly ran in my heels to cross the road headin to court.

Once inside the court, I strated off with my case without give a second thought on what just happened. That’s me. Work overcome my worries sumtime.

After that, was a different story.

I walked along the road after shouting my g’byes to my friends. Walking slowly, digging in my bag for my keys jumbled with other keys, I didn’t realized I was walking in the middle of the road. I was shocked when a soft honk of a big car, coming behind me. I startled, and accelerate my step to the side. The car slowed, and the heavy tinted windows slid down.

Guy  :  hey, funny seeing you ‘ere.(smiling dashingly)

Me   : (frowning like an idiot) hah? well…hi.(blushing like mad)

Guy  : you’re going sumwhere? I can give u a lift…(waitin for my answer)

Me    : Erm…(frantically looking for my keys in my bag, n pretend to grab sumthin)…it’s ok. I found my keys!

Guy   : (muka pelik, probbly coz i didn’t answer his question?) Owh….kay. You going home?

Me    : (suddenly stopped my walk. Realizing I’ve reached my car) Hmm. My car.

(the car suddenly stopped)

Me    : Erm…what are doing? Are you stalking me?

Guy   : Er…nope. (pointing to the house where my car parked) I’m going home.

Me     : Hah! I noe thattttt…(smiling sheepishly. if my bag were big enough, I’d stuffed my whole head in it!)

What do u know? It’s that guy again. R.

Amazingly superb in his Mercedes and oh, he was dressed casually today. I mean no full suit with a red tie (thank GOD! Coz I might drop dead rite there to c his red tie again!) He was dressed in a black shirt, his sleeves were folded up to his elbow, and a faded cool jeans. His hair was all ruffled, but in a cool way. I can smell his spicy aftershave….OMG he smells so goooddd...stop it!!

He took off his sunglasses and grinned widely. My heart fluttered wildly. But suddenly a girl got out from his passenger seat. Beautiful mind you! She glared at me, and with one nod to R she went to open the huge gate and went inside without a word.

R  : U probbly remember her. My sis.

Me : Oh. She’d grown! (of coz lah u idiot!!! it’s been thirteen years!) hahaha…

R  : wanna come in?

What do u think happened? Stay tune for the next episode….tonite…hahaha…

whoa! i just so happened to be watching an episode of CSI : NY today…n oh boy! It was interesting.

u see, im not estatic bout watching csi francise. I was at first, but after three branch i became a sore watcher.

but today was an episode where an irish gang took matter into their hand and broke into the crime lab, while faking gas leak. prior to that the handsome detective, Flack, had made a big bust on their cocaine. the chunks were shipped into the crime lab for custody of the crime evidence.

n i just love Mac (Gary Sinise) brilliant character. He noticed firsthand that it wasn’t a typical gas leak. these gang made it seems so to get the whole building vacated. it was cleverly planned that not even a single cop even think that was a hoist!!! they even planted a special transmitter to jammed the communication signals. Unfortunately these csi geeks gt thru that by sending messages thru corpse!

Mac, together with his sidekick, Stella(the dark haired woman) and the black guy teamed up to process the evidence in their lab while avoiding gettin shot. it was incredible!!! to make it more interesting these irish gang were using one of a kind bullet that can pierce thru metal and safe.

they tried to shoot the safe open and get their baggage out and bounce. Mac was too smart for them. he set up a trap and planned out a strategy for his team to stopped their runaway.

In the end the bad guys lose, and the good guys left the building alive….haha, hw i wish it’s that simple in real life.

recently i met a guy.

a guy from my past who’d help me realized that I’m such a bitch. haha…somehow it made me felt like so relieved. GAWD! Wish I could describe that feeling here for you guys, but it’s impossible.

The irony was that I was just discussing with azim last nite while we were resting. We giggled just remembering how in-profficient our way of love was. each of us have our own admirers and crushes but in the end we ended up with each other! how about that? what a small circle we lived in.

Well, I remembered the meeting, and it goes like this:

GUY    : hey, are you by any chance be….JUITA?

ME    : (turning slowly and with a poker face, answered) Who’s asking?

GUY    : You are JUITA! Hey, it’s me, R.

ME    : (grilling my cramped mind to remember) ahhhh…hi. How are you? (giving him my most dashing smile)

GUY    : I’m fine. Fine. How bout you?

ME   : Oh…yea, I guess I’m….fine too. (scratching my head)

It was kinda awkward. I was just refusing to look him in the eye. He reminded me of how inconsiderate I was back then. Thinking of only myself. Being selfish was such a luxury.

Hah, the conversation didn’t end there. we actually proceed to have a short breakfast since I haven’t had mine early that morning. Work. What can I say? If someone wanted to pay for it, you take it!

We talked and talked, and the whole time he was looking at me with the same look he had back when we were together. I felt a lil guilty reminiscent bout the old times with him. The love. The moment. The pain. The passion. And it didn’t help to find that he is more good looking now. Keeping himself buffed after all these years! Wow! He smell good too. He was wearing a full suit. Clean shaved. His hair was styled to prefection. And that red tie! Damn, it looked good on him. DAMN that tie!!!

Darn! I forgot why I dumped him on the first place. He was such a nice guy. What went wrong?

We continued to talk until our food arrived and he joked about my habit of eating halfway and forcing him to finish the rest. Hell yeah, that was then, now I love my food and appreciate it more. After knowing Azim. He noticed I’d changed a bit. Disregard my body of course that changed a lot. My personality. My believes. even my eyes! Haha! I was wearing coloured contacts! BUt one thing remained the same. My laughter.

Somethin just wasn’t right. The thing about meeting your ex-es after thirteen years was that you’re eager to find out if he’d found someone better than you. If he does, you’ll feel envy. But if otherwise, you’ll feel relieved because you know you’ll always be his only love. AHAH! Yea, what a bi-yatch!! BIG TIME.

So here’s how I grilled him for that particular question:

ME    : So, you seem happy. (I noe it’s lame but we have to start slow…)

R     : You noticed? (laughing) Well, business being going great! Money coming in. I’m healthy. Can’t complain.

ME    : (thinking hard for next brilliant question) Perhaps your love life helps you a lot too? (That’ll get to it!)

R      : (staring at me for the longest seconds) Love life? Are you asking whether I’m married?

ME   : (SHIT! I’m caught!!! Cover line ITAAA!!!) Wha- ?? …is that wrong? Sorry, just that you seems so happy. I can’t help but asking.

R      : (sigh) Cheessh! I noe you have. I’m glad. (perhaps he noticed my giant diamond!)

ME    : (growling) You’re not anwering the question (paused) So…have you?

R      : Nope. (smiling dashingly) Haven’t found anyone yet.

ME    : (act surprise!) C’mon, surely you’d dated some! (fake laugh!!) I remember. I saw you once!

R       : It didn’t worked out. So I stopped searching. Besides I’m happy rite now. That’s what important.

ME    : (Suddenly felt guilty like a Giant rock fell over my HEAD) Right…

I don’t noe why. I do feel relieved. But at the same time, I felt like I have to be blame. I noe what he’d to go thru finding out his girlfriend fell out of love for him. He was in pain. Seeing him appealing to me, crying. It was the first time I saw a man cried over me. Boy! It sure was not a fucking pleasant sight!

He’d to fight over me in public. He’d to come every week to see me all the way from outstation. Wow…all that reminded of what he’d gone thru to just be with me. Only to be push away like that. Cripes! What was I thinking?

But it’s ironic to see him happy without me in his life. He’s doing so well with his business. He’s becoming such a hottie now. (Noticed few girls glancing our way throughout our breakfast) He’s never been that charming looking when he was with me. Perhaps now, he’s free of any commitment, that give him time to prep himself.

But the most ironic of it all, I was waiting for him to exchange our numbers so dat we can keep in touch sometime….to add salt into my wound, he didn’t just NOT asking for my number but also didn’t want to give me his card. He did show me but refused to give me one. Eventhough I frantically asked him for it!

What’s his problem?!!!

His reason was:

R   : I’m glad we met. I was hoping to see you someday. And this is the DAY. Don’t get me wrong. I believe it was destined for us not to be together. But I need to do this to get over you. Be happy.

Then he waved and just like that he left.

He left? It took quite a awhile to get a grip of what just happened. On my way back to the office, I was brainstorming of what just occurred. Meeting him made me realized what a bitch I was. Making him felt like that troubles me. My selfish act had changed a goofy guy into sumone that serious….from my perspective, I was the loser here. Not him.

Ironic. Just think about it.

the thing about aving a serious relationship is that, when u broke up…it stick to ur heart like a fossil and the memories just wouldn’t go away.

yea, sure, you’ll find yourself moving on…eventually. But it sure takes a looooonnnnggg time. it hurts. it’s painful. it’s heartbreakingly aching.

but after a few years, you tend to forget. and reminiscent d good and bad memories. ahhh…

and then when you found sumone who actually made you forget, and be happy, you’ll move on easily….

it’s so hard to accept when people kept saying you made a mistake when it didn’t work out. but for me…it wasn’t a mistake. sure, I have to admit when you break up you kept thinking you’d chosen the wrong person. However, come to think of it, it was meant to be. I’m glad I chose those guys. They actually taught me to grow up. Along the way, they made me more matured.

I have to be frank. My first love wasn’t that fun. In fact, i thought it was a puppy love. Just for the sake of it you know. Sure I felt all the love bubbling inside me whenever HE called, and when we were dating. All along, I thought…is he the ONE? C’mon, I was so green back then!

IT didn’t take long, I had another fling. While with HIM. And then, we broke up because I’d another fling with another guy. In between that, I rekindled with HIM again, only to break up again after I’d another fling with another guy.

OMG! I was such a Bi-yatch!!! My motto was to have a spare before you break up!!

But to be fair, the flings taught me a lot. Every fling I went thru had their own probs and issues. And I went thru each and every one of them painfully. It made me tougher, and stronger. True to my word, I held my head up high. Maybe these experience shattered me to pieces over and over again. But I overcame them head-on. Crying became my game. Bitching became my companion.

Soon, I became this bitch with no feelings. I started to play with people’s feeling. To justify my act, I kept telling myself you’re just doing this to find your true love. THE ONE. Gah! Who am I kidding? I ended up hurting them. Hurting myself.

It sickened me to find that I hardly could trust anyone. My paranoia was that maybe I’m hexed. No one was made for me. No one was made to love me. Did GOD forgot to make one for me? Alas! I turned to GOD to help me find THE ONE. So, I kept hoping. And hoping. In between that I hopped from one guy to another. Breaking up was easy for me cause I didn’t stay too long in a relationship to even start one. Hah! Clever, yah?

I know that feeling. Been thru it couple of times. I thought if I broke up with sumone that pain would go away. Never thought the pain was that stubborn. What pain? The pain of comparing. That was my prob, and the only issue that bugged me. I hate it. BUt I live with hope. Hoping that some of these guys might not give up on me that easily. Yeah, sure I left them behind, but will they permit it? Will they still give it a try?

WELL…ONE of them sure did.

I remember one quote: TO LIVE ONLY ONCE…BUT WITH HOPE. I stick to it til now.